Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
