Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
