A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
