Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
