every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
