my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
