The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We talked him into tasing himself.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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