Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
