At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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