I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!