this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes