I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
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Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha