One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.