I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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