You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
