Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
