your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
