I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
