Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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