I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
