I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
