I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
