My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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