I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
