I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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