Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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