I can text with my tongue
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
