I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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