I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
