I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
