only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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