I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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