i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
