how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
