I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
