I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
