I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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