All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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