are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
