The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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