I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
