Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
