So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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