call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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