note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
