My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
