matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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