my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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