I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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