The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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