Where is the hickey?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
