remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
