The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!