Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Everything about him screamed your future.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
