I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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