I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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