In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
