Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
