he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need to calm my uterus...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
