i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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