accomplished twins. life is a go
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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