if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize